Tuesday, June 30, 2009

dangers of re-entry

In high school I experimented with various mood-altering substances. There was alcohol, naturally, but also marijuana and one really lovely afternoon on hash trying to play it straight in front of our friend's mom as she drove us home. To this day I don't know if she knew how high we were, but I can't imagine how she could have missed it. But I never did a LOT of drugs, and never tried anything harder than the aforementioned. Also, incidentally, I've never bought drugs. I wouldn't know where to get them. I suppose I could find my way through people I know, but I've never been that inspired to try. I basically gave up smoking pot after college. At some point I started to have rather strange reactions to it. Like my whole body going numb and noticing I couldn't feel my heartbeat or my stomach and I might actually be dead but not know it and that's just not a feeling I really wanted to seek out, you know?

So I admit it was a little random when, the other night, while hanging out with a bunch of parents from our son's preschool, I decided to try it again. Before I describe what came of all this, I should probably back up a little. There were a few factors which contributed to this turning into a particularly festive evening.

There was the decision to postpone our roadtrip until after Kate's housewarming party. We were supposed to be out of town, but wanted to go celebrate her new place. Next, walking instead of driving. The party was nearby, and we figured if we walked who'd care what state we're in by the end of the party? If we're on our feet, we can get home. In hindsight, had we driven, the car outside might have served as incentive to control the intake of alcohol and other substances. But this was not to be. There was also the bottle of wine we shared over with dinner before the party, the several glasses once we arrived, and having almost no water. When one of the other preschool moms mentioned she'd brought some really good pot, and then one of the dads fashioned a bong from a Coke can and the screen from the sink faucet and started passing it around on the back porch, I was like, "meh, why not?"

So I took a hit. 

Having done this a few times before, the technique came right back to me - inhale deeply, hold it in, talk like Tommy Chong, let it out slowly.

That went fine, so I took another hit. And another. 

And the thing I remembered much later was that unlike booze, I don't feel the effects of pot right away. With wine or liquor, I basically get drunk as I drink. There's not much delay, so I know when to slow down, and when to stop. Pot is different. I took three (really large) hits because I wasn't really feeling it after the first, or the second. When I started feeling it, I stopped smoking. That was so too late. 

First things got a little fuzzy. Like my head. I poured another glass of wine, but didn't finish it before realizing water was probably the better choice. Pretty soon, things became outrageously funny. That is, laugh my ass off funny. Someone said something (do not ask me what it was because I have zero memory of it) that sent me into complete tearful hysterics. I had to leave the room, weeping with laughter. Around that time I lost track of most of what was going on. 

This is another thing about being high versus drunk. When I'm drunk, even really really drunk, I can still kinda see, through the haze, what's going on. Not like "I'm in complete control, no really I can drive, no problem." Not saying that. But it's almost like I can watch from outside myself what's happening and still have clear pictures of it in my mind. I can tell roughly how drunk other people around me are, for example. When I'm high, I have no idea. Everybody else could be totally sober, or just as fucked up as me. No clue. You're all fucking hilarious.

Some time passed. I probably did some stupid things. At some point I might have casually suggested a threesome with my wife and the hostess. That didn't happen. We walked home. I vaguely remember this. I was none too steady on my feet. I know we walked home because eventually we arrived home, paid the babysitter, and I started tweeting. This began with "Dude, I'm REALLY fucked up." Progressed to "I should go to bed. Anybody know where to find the "off" button for the spinning?" And arrived at the classic, "Dude, fuck cottonmouth." There was some other stuff I think my followers on Twitter found quite amusing which I won't go into here. My parents read this blog. But I'm not sure broadcasting my state was the best idea at that point. Of course, now I'm posting this. Whatever.

In the end I managed not to throw up, got myself into bed and closed my eyes and next thing I knew the kids were up at 6am. Which was when our 8-hr roadtrip was scheduled to begin. That's a whole other post, one that may not even be worth writing, so I won't go into it. Suffice to say I did not feel well, it was surface-of-the-sun hot, and one-year olds do not take kindly to being strapped into a car seat for seven hours.

Is there a lesson here? I will say there are indeed some nice things about the weed. Different things than with wine or booze. There are also some downsides. If I do try it again, I'll probably stop before I start propositioning my kid's friend's moms. Hopefully.



  1. HAHAHA! That's what usually happens. Youre laughing in hysterics and you cant recall what you were laughing so hard about the next day!

  2. WOw, how does the purchase of pot come up in a conversation? That is the part you left out.

  3. oooooh... just your discription of what you put into your body makes me cringe in pain. Those are the mornings you bargain with God, no?

  4. LOL - LOVE IT! Made me laugh and reminisce(sp?)
    Mike is smokin the ganja - like a badass!

  5. What the hell kind of pre-school does *YOUR* kid go to?!? Cuz I'm thinkin my kid needs to switch schools!

  6. Ha! I've gotten completely smashed with my bosses. But, I don't smoke...SIGH.

  7. OMG--that's a riot! So, did your road trip get you out of facing the mom on Monday morning? That could've been a bit awkward to say the least...unless of course she doesn't remember anything either! I haven't smoked pot in about 18 years...don't think I'd even remember how!

  8. Now that is pretty fucking hysterical. I think I'd pay money to see you high. See, I can't smoke and drink for the very reason of reaction time. I'll drink and drink and think "I'm so totally cool, I'll smoke a little" and then the booze hits me AS the pot is hitting me and holy shit, I'm fucking smashed and I want to laugh and have a lot of sex at the same time.

    Now I have to choose one or the other. Sigh.

  9. Heh. I quite enjoyed the tweets.

    I could use a good laugh like that right about now, but all I have are some leftover (legitimately prescribed) pain killers, and I do not like that high thankyouverymuch. (I guess that explains why they're left over.)

    The last time I smoked weed was the same kind of scenario: at a party, a pipe was passed, and I thought "what the hell?". I was too paranoid to laugh hysterically freely, and my entire body itched for the next several hours. Sigh. I used to be fun. I swear.

    Love that you coke-canned it. That's maybe the most fantastic thing I've heard in a while.

  10. I was reading your tweets that evening. Your tweets and this post were great! Thanks for sharing.

  11. Awww, how did I miss those tweets? And? Why am I not on your blogroll? :D

  12. Oh, the spinning.... And, sadly for me, the odd superiority trip that makes me think that everything/one is stupid *not hilarious*.... I got rooked on that whole pot thing. Meh. Indeed....

  13. I missed those tweets too. Bummer.

    I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I've gone all 26 years of my life without ever taking a non-prescribed drug. Not even a cigarette.

    Though I do have an open ended prescription for Vicodin, so maybe that ups my street cred?

  14. I love your blog...though I never comment. Sounded like some "good shit" although you are right...fits of laughter are completely uncontrollable. The last time I was visiting a friend in So. Cal the date was 4/20 and I had no idea it was considered "a holiday" so I toked and I shit you not, my face hurt the next day from all the rediculous smiling I must have done the night before.

    I'm just sorry I missed the tweets.

  15. I first read that title as "dangers of rear-entry" LOL "WOAH.. what the hell is happening here?" hehe

    It sounds like you had a hilarious evening. Luckily, if that is the crowd you were with, they were probably okay with the propositioning and found it all as hysterical as you did.

    And like everyone else, damnit I can't believe I missed the tweets. :)

    (And does anyone else have this problem? Whenever I comment on a Blogger blog, I have to submit it twice. The first time it always tells me "Your request could not be processed. Please try again." I'm glad I notice this, or you'd never get my comments. It ALWAYS happens with you. Here we go, clicking post comment again.)

  16. Oh, that is HIGHlarious. ;p

    PS Tangerines/clementines make great pipes. :P
    Just pull out the inner 'stem' and voila! :D


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